The PhD Family - How to maintain a team parenting
The whole month of 2017 February was a bittersweet dream - our first ride of parenthood. With a baby in the house, time stretched and contracted.
We didn’t plan getting any helper on board for financial and personal reasons. In my mind, my husband was the best partner I could ask for in the world. With him around, everything was conquerable.
Yet one morning I found him about to head to school. The scene confused me. Did we not have a baby in the house? I didn’t recall exactly the reason for him going out – either he had to attend a class or teach or show up in the lab, yet clearly remembered he’s determined to do so despite of my disappointing face.
I might have begged him not to leave me alone. I was unprepared. My heart sank as the door closed shut.
I knew the PhD responsibility that’s on his shoulder, making it hard to add more blame. Here we were - a new baby with his stressed parents.
First of all, dads can get postpartum depression.
My husband was a first-year graduate student at that time, naturally, he’s obliged with courses credits along with teaching responsibility. For some mixed and confusing reasons, his parental leaves did not get fully permitted. The new life chapter – fatherhood, PhD candidacy, and life events slowly consumed him. It was not apparent at first but a few months later he’d talk about this period of time admitting he’s on the verge of a breakdown.
It gets better.
When our second baby arrived, we knew that we couldn’t be on our own this time around and the helping system alleviated my husband’s research pressure. With him being himself, it’s easier for our relationship bond closer.
Along the way, we also figure out how to split the parenting responsibility while maintaining our personal need. For example, he is usually the one dropping off the kids in the morning because unlike me, he needs less than 10 minutes to get ready. If we do it conversely, I’d be sure overwhelmed and starting my day with resents.
Bittersweet makes life.
No one knows how to be a parent in the beginning. As the main caregivers, the teamwork mindset is much needed more than ever. Be open about discussing challenges and recognize that your significant other is different from you. Translate that difference into something supplemental – like the way we work around the child care routine. Bit by bit, you learn about yourself, about each other, and together you grow your family.
If you identify with my parenting journey or are feeling stuck at one of the stages mentioned above just send me a DM on IG (@graceful.dr) or comment and I’d love to help you with some personalized tips!