Make the best decision in child care crisis

The day my two babies disappear into the boarding gate broke my heart. Back into the car, the crying felt endless but I managed to stop and head home. But was it home without soul? 

When the pandemic hit, we’d want to travel to our home country to be with our parents and family. We’d have the support and felt much safer. But the fast and fluid changes in the situation made it challenging to figure out a plan. What might not be obvious back then was that we would never reach the correct decision. It’s a matter of perception and faith in your action.

With the daycare closed, the following two months were filled with the responsibilities of full-time parents and PhD students. Despite developing a semi-organized life structure, it drained us completely, physically and mentally.

Having one- and three-years-old toddlers at home meant there’s a lot of work. They were too young to independently entertain themselves, but old enough who needed constant active attention. In the house, we keep minimum education materials for children but not necessarily adequate to that in a daycare. With the whole world shutting down, we lost a chunk of access to space where the children enjoy nature and social interaction.

My hubs and I took turns watching the kids. When one of us needed to hop on a meeting, we locked ourselves out into a closet. Day in and day out, it felt like a never-ending dream. As the PhD work, there seemed a fine line regarding how the research progress should be maintained. It’s not business as usual. Nor it’s paused. Everyone and the department all tried to figure out how to proceed.

We worked hard keeping up with the work but without the daycare, our struggles had only peaked. Between the PhD degree and parenting and even the wife-husband relationship, I had never felt such intense.

Letting go and trying a new risk

The discussion over sending the children back to our parents came up more frequently. My reluctance to agree dwindled. How could I maintain a healthy and happy family life if I were to the opposite end of that?

At some point, we let our children stay with our parents, in the hope that the situation in the states could somehow improve. It’s another layer of struggle regarding the risk of traveling. Fortunately, no one got sick. But I was mentally sick for a while after they left.

I beat myself up for not being able to keep them around. The first few weeks I burst into tears upon any randomness in life. It took me weeks to settle in the work while making peace with my inner guilt. I have been journaling about this separation and here’s a few of the first entry.

“Woke up and walked in the room where the children used to sleep in. Tried to find any traces of their smell on the pillows. Found nothing but only my tears.” - April 28

Now it’s been four months since I saw them last time. Though virtual phone calls fill the gap, I missed the time being with them. It’s a mixed feeling when my 1.5-year-old daughter learned how to say mama and yet I was not there.

So far, everyone seems to be doing well. The children spend a great deal of quality time with their grandparents and bond with all other family members. Our 3.5-year-old son attends a local preschool and enjoys a lot his back-to-school learning and playing. My husband and I catch a breath and make progress at work. With chaos quiet down a bit, I reflect my intention and tune down the fear to strive for my ideal life.

We can’t change the situation but we can change how we perceive it. Parents, we will be fine as we have the answer to what best works for our family. As human beings, we will be fine because we are resilient. In light of the not-yet-over pandemic which has caused countless hidden sad stories, I wish everyone healthy and safe.

Until next time,

* This post is a strongly personal circumstance dependent experience. Please be advised that what works for the author might not work for your particular situation. *